Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right..

Just a list of some funny people one encounters during a master’s stint in US. May look exaggerated, I really wish that were true (the exaggeration part).

1. the Bodyguard: this guy accompanies some girl/ girls like the dog in the hutch ad. Guy thinks girl likes his company; girl thinks it’s not safe to go the lab alone in the wee hours.

To the guy: seriously, ‘your’ company?

To the girl: Did you know that this macho went a dozen blocks around because a puppy was coming that way?

2. the SUP guy¹⁰: the sole purpose of their existence is to render the most hackneyed word in the planet even more trite.

P.S. Careful when you say that to Tamil guy

3. the ‘f-word’ guy¹⁰: Am not really sure what they think , maybe “right, if I  fit it 3 times in each sentence, I am cool! I’m not against the use of the word that can convey a million (or more) emotions, but using it for the sake of using is, well, pathetic.

4. the ‘If a hippopotamus could laugh, it would sound like me’ guy: some words are used at such ordinary instances that they don’t convey the real meaning they are actually intended to. Like the word ‘terror’ - that laughter that makes the strongest of hearts freeze (God help you if you were peeing then),sends a shiver down your spine and gives you nightmares forever. Humans drink, these creatures slurp. Humans chew, they churn (whats that, gravel?) Might also be accompanied by burping and various other cacophonies (yeah, you got it). No offence, hippos.

5. the ‘Chillout/Yoyo’ guy: 

"I need to , I repeat , I NEED  to go out every weekend and chill out with people I barely know, I need to look and sound extremely ‘cool’ in spite of that glossy costume(pukes) that I need to wear. I am not afraid. It’s NOT a waste of money, it’s a social investment. Look at the brighter side, I can post cool  statuses⁷, pics  in FB and friends back home will actually be jealous of me (nervous laughter).”

6. the ‘Birthday party’ guy : goes to (almost) every other b’day party in town(or village ,if you live/exist  at College Station).

Guy1: Yeah bro, you got it finally, he’s my labmate’s friend’s girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend.

7. the (sad) FB Posters: these guys post every single activity they are upto on fb, twitter ,etc.

‘I peed today first thing in the morn and aimed it perfectly! Yippee!!!!!!’

P.S: yippee? Did some kindergarten kid hack into your profile? And people, I swear, just one exclamation mark (!) conveys  an exclamation (and not an assertion). Nooooooooo, ohhhhhh. seriously, stop repeating the darn characters.

8. the “ Food pics uploader”: ‘I cooked this junk with my own bare hands, I feel the compelling need to post it ’ is what they seem to suggest. Usually accompanied with pics of people eating with a look of approval (why is he bleeding? hey is that a broken tooth he is hiding in his left hand?), along with captions like ‘yummy’ , weekend special, first attempt ,etc.

ABCmoron** likes this (in return for liking his pics the next time that moron cooks).

I am lost for words, let’s move on.

9. the ‘I have a girlfriend’ guy:

Guy 1: boy that was long… couple of hours eh

Guy 2¹⁶: (blank stare, continues watching soccer)

Guy 1: you know, right? I got something going on with a girl back home.

Guy 2: that was an awesome pass, should’ve nailed it though. I’m sorry, you were saying?

10. the ‘Accent’ guy : tries to talk ‘like the Americans’. It’s pardonable with mild torture if you try that with other fellow Indians ( most likely they return the favor) or Americans ( they’ll laugh their heads off the moment you leave) ,but to the Chinese? Do you have a conscience? Thou shall burn in hell fire.

P.S. these are the guys who say ‘maacha’(with an accent). Can’t you mouth machan or machi? How do you guys sleep at night?

11.the ‘Fakers’¹³ : extremely funny people who put on  gym wear and go eat at the gym cafeteria, put on a suit just to take some snaps , wear coolers at night, try to ask (self-humiliating)questions, for its own sake,

“Can you please explain the last slide, Dr.Mokkaman?”

Dr.Mokkaman: It reads ‘Thanks for your attention’

12. the ‘Free dinner’ guy: he’s there whenever and wherever dinner is free .

13. the ‘American’ : talks and behaves like he’s been living in the US of A all his life. Posts statuses that (imply) he is not into regional movies/music anymore. Talks/posts only football (American, obviously).

14. the ‘desperate flirt’ :

Guy: hey ‘showoff420’, you know what? I got an intern for the summer. I also got a driver’s license yesterday. Gimme a high-five.

Random girl: Do I even know you?

Guy: you will, in a few weeks’ time (tries to give ‘romantic look’)

Random girl (over phone): hey XYZshameless¹, can you come over to the Indian store, some rooster faced guy is irritating me here.

15 the ‘Sitcom psycho’: follows half a dozen (or more) sitcoms at once (yes, that is possible)

Might hiss random stuff to themselves while watching.  Voldermort would be proud.

16 the ‘I don’t give a damn’ guy: Doesn’t react to anything at all.

Guy 1: hey, you know what? despo999 is taking a hot chick to dinner tonight.

Guy 2: oh ok.

Guy 1: and smartass123 got a job, $70k per annum. Lucky bugger. Can you believe it?

Guy 2: good for him.

Guy 1: are you sick?

Guy 2: (no, you are) no

Guy 1: (screaming) Why are you like this man? Get involved, talk, socialize ,go out, scream, have fun.

Guy 2: oh ok.

17: ‘the man, the movies. the music’: Alpha male, or so he thinks. Rants on and on about movies and music. Posts statuses/updates,videos and expert comments about movies, albums, musicians.(pls pls ‘like’ it)

Guy 1:Have you listened to a band called ‘loudcrap’. No? 25 years of your life is kinda screwed up man.

Guy 2: (pushing guy1 into an 8 foot deep pool): did you learn swimming. No? Your entire life forward is kinda screwed up man.

18:The ‘technical connoiseur’: thinks he knows/can grasp everything under the sun. tortures people by ‘explaining’ tech details about simple stuff, won’t let you go till he’s done( or brain-dead, whichever happens first).Might try to demean people for being naïve. You know it’s time to get the hell out(‘got a call from home’ will work) when he starts with ‘did you know that’

Guy A: hey can you help me move this desk, man?

Guy B: have you made sure that the center of gravity is as close to the base as possible? ok, first incline it at 27.5° and then apply just enough force ……..

Guy A: On second thought, who uses a desk for writing? Let’s just leave it here.